The ABC’s of Confrontation

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by: Pastor David Huffstutler

08/15/2021

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Forgiveness has been the theme of my posts these past few weeks. Last week we explored when Scripture compels confrontation, repentance, and forgiveness. This week is a biblical and practical look at the confrontation itself. How should it take place? What do we say, and how do we say it?

What follows below are some “ABC’s” that try to capture some basic wisdom necessary when confrontation takes place.

To the one who confronts the sinner:

Affirm your affection. If you are truly being faithful as a friend to openly rebuke a fellow Christian, state the obvious. Affirm your Christian affection for the sinning party with words. Don’t take it for granted, and don’t let your conservation be only about the sinner’s sin.

Be prepared to be wrong. You might state your case and find out from the would-be offender that you are mistaken concerning the facts or your brother’s intentions (Proverbs 18:17). Two or three witnesses might encourage you to drop the matter instead of bringing it before the church (cf. Matthew 18:16).

Communicate carefully. Say exactly what the issue is and then say no more. Choose your words wisely. Always avoid “always,” and never say “never” in your rebuke. The sinner most likely does not always commit this sin or never do what is right. Even in rebuke, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).

Do it right. Involve the right people—the sinner himself (Proverbs 25:9–10; Matthew 18:15) and only others as necessary (cf. Matthew 18:16–17). Use the right manner—be gentle and gracious with your words (Proverbs 15:1; Colossians 4:6). Do it for the right reason—for the other Christian’s good and not for personal vengeance (Romans 12:17–21; 1 Corinthians 13:5; 1 Thessalonians 5:15; 1 Peter 3:9). Do it in the right setting—these kinds of conversations are best face to face in private, not by texting, letter, or phone (cf. 3 John 13–14).

Expect a little but hope for a lot. Don’t assume that the conversation will play out perfectly as you might picture it in your mind. Confrontations are often like a maze. You can see the entry and the exit, but the twists and turns along the way might keep you from reaching your destination. At the same time, if both parties are truly Christians, they will walk in the Spirit and avoid reactions and distractions that would keep them from their goal (cf. Galatians 5:22–26). 

Forgive. If your rebuke is warranted and goes well, your offender repents and asks for forgiveness. If so, forgive and let the matter go. Perhaps there are consequences that you cannot avoid. Perhaps the matter is civil, and legalities must run their course. But that does not mean that you can do your best to put the matter behind you and remember it no more (cf. Hebrews Jeremiah 31:34; 8:12; 10:17). 

All quotes ESV. Articles by Pastor Huffstutler are at davidhuffstutler.com.

Forgiveness has been the theme of my posts these past few weeks. Last week we explored when Scripture compels confrontation, repentance, and forgiveness. This week is a biblical and practical look at the confrontation itself. How should it take place? What do we say, and how do we say it?

What follows below are some “ABC’s” that try to capture some basic wisdom necessary when confrontation takes place.

To the one who confronts the sinner:

Affirm your affection. If you are truly being faithful as a friend to openly rebuke a fellow Christian, state the obvious. Affirm your Christian affection for the sinning party with words. Don’t take it for granted, and don’t let your conservation be only about the sinner’s sin.

Be prepared to be wrong. You might state your case and find out from the would-be offender that you are mistaken concerning the facts or your brother’s intentions (Proverbs 18:17). Two or three witnesses might encourage you to drop the matter instead of bringing it before the church (cf. Matthew 18:16).

Communicate carefully. Say exactly what the issue is and then say no more. Choose your words wisely. Always avoid “always,” and never say “never” in your rebuke. The sinner most likely does not always commit this sin or never do what is right. Even in rebuke, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).

Do it right. Involve the right people—the sinner himself (Proverbs 25:9–10; Matthew 18:15) and only others as necessary (cf. Matthew 18:16–17). Use the right manner—be gentle and gracious with your words (Proverbs 15:1; Colossians 4:6). Do it for the right reason—for the other Christian’s good and not for personal vengeance (Romans 12:17–21; 1 Corinthians 13:5; 1 Thessalonians 5:15; 1 Peter 3:9). Do it in the right setting—these kinds of conversations are best face to face in private, not by texting, letter, or phone (cf. 3 John 13–14).

Expect a little but hope for a lot. Don’t assume that the conversation will play out perfectly as you might picture it in your mind. Confrontations are often like a maze. You can see the entry and the exit, but the twists and turns along the way might keep you from reaching your destination. At the same time, if both parties are truly Christians, they will walk in the Spirit and avoid reactions and distractions that would keep them from their goal (cf. Galatians 5:22–26). 

Forgive. If your rebuke is warranted and goes well, your offender repents and asks for forgiveness. If so, forgive and let the matter go. Perhaps there are consequences that you cannot avoid. Perhaps the matter is civil, and legalities must run their course. But that does not mean that you can do your best to put the matter behind you and remember it no more (cf. Hebrews Jeremiah 31:34; 8:12; 10:17). 

All quotes ESV. Articles by Pastor Huffstutler are at davidhuffstutler.com.

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